The tension between feminism and traditional expectations

For the past several decades, Western societies have wrestled with the doctrine of equality between men and women. Since the 1960s, waves of feminism reshaped education, careers, marriage, and family life. The results are complex: undeniable gains in opportunity and voice and, at the same time, new tensions in relationships, identity, and expectations.

Now many immigrant communities are experiencing that same cultural shift — but compressed into a single generation. That ompression is creating confusion.

In many African and immigrant households, traditional gender roles were clear. Men were expected to provide and protect. Women were expected to nurture and manage the home. These roles were not always practiced perfectly, and in some cases, patriarchy caused deep wounds. But the expectations were defined. Then we moved abroad. 

When families relocate to Western countries, those definitions shift almost overnight.

Women gain economic independence quickly. Cultural messages emphasize autonomy and self-definition. “Equality” becomes not just a legal principle but a social identity.

The tension comes from expectations at home often not evolving at the same speed.

Many men are still expected to:

Provide financially

Protect physically and emotionally

Lead spiritually

Be emotionally available

Be romantic and attentive

At the same time, many women understandably expect:

Equal voice

Equal opportunity

Equal autonomy

Equal financial independence

The question becomes: if both are equal, what exactly are the responsibilities of each?

There is another layer that we rarely talk about openly: trauma.

Some women come from deeply patriarchal environments where their voices were minimized or their ambitions restricted. When they move abroad they sometimes swing hard in the opposite direction. This is not ecause they are malicious or because they hate men. Sometimes it's because healing often begins with overcorrection. Even me as a man forgot to talk about the trauma of men. Social conditioning at play. Forgive me

The danger is when empowerment becomes reactionary instead of reflective. When equality becomes not cooperation but competition. Let's do this together changes to let's see who is better. 

When partnership becomes negotiation of power the marriage becomes a silent scorecard.

The Unspoken Frustration of Men

Many men today feel trapped between two eras.

They are told:

“Be traditional. Provide.”

“Be modern. Share power.”

“Be strong.”

“Be emotionally vulnerable.”

“Lead.”

“Don’t dominate.”

Many men are ready to do this even though it can feel like walking a tightrope with no net.

In reaction, some men withdraw, become resentful., overcompensate or simply give up on relationships altogether. They are confused of what is expected of them. 

Equality does not have to mean erasing masculinity. Unfortunately, this seems to be what is being sold today.  Also empowerment does not have to mean rejecting femininity. Again, the unfortunate reality is different. Women are losing their femininity and hoping that men don't change. No man who married a woman wants to see that woman become a man, all things being equal. 

Leadership does not have to mean control and sumission does not have to mean inferiority. These notions need to change. 

If both partners work, both contribute. If both earn, both build. If both lead, both serve. If both expect love, both give it.

Modern marriage cannot survive on selective traditionalism where one partner keeps the benefits of modernity and the other keeps the burdens of tradition. It must be renegotiated honestly.

What we need is not less equality but mature equality and not revenge against the past. Not nostalgia for a past that had its own injustices, but thoughtful, deliberate partnership.

Men must grow.

Women must grow.

Both must heal.

Both must sacrifice.

Both must ask: are we building a team or are we fighting for leverage?

The future of families depends on that answer.